When I think about it, I have struggled with mental health challenges for most of my adult life. It just wasn’t talked about when I was in my 20’s, or even in my early 30’s. 

Now I’m Panicking:

I was first signed off because of mental health at work when I found out I was pregnant at 30, an unsupportive line manager and a crazy workload led to sleepless nights and panic attacks.  When I had Charlie, now 11, I suffered from Postnatal Depression. Since then I have had bouts of depression and anxiety on and off.  It’s taken years to recognise how I feel, understand my triggers and learn how to self-manage, control and most importantly ask for help.

The turning point for me was in 2018 when I could feel that dark cloud of emptiness rolling in.  I couldn’t think straight for more than a few minutes. My emotions were erratic, now i’m panicking, with massive highs and crushing lows within minutes of each other.  My energy was depleted and I wasn’t sleeping.  I felt overwhelmed with my workload in my corporate role.  Looking back I don’t think even then I felt comfortable and I didn’t know how to talk about mental health at work.  I told my Manager that my workload was too much and that I felt stressed, but I didn’t go into the specifics of exactly how bad I felt.  Not until I couldn’t step foot outside the door to go to an event, then I realised that it had gone too far.

I was signed off for about 9 weeks.  And in fairness to my employer, they were amazing once that happened. There was no mental health discrimination at work. I was completely supported with my mental health at work.  And when it was time to come back, I did so on a well-structured phased return. 

In the time I had off from work I made it my mission to work out what was going on for me.  Why did I feel this way and how could I recognise it quicker when it was coming.  Or even better put steps in place to prevent it.  I did some talking therapy and CBT and both were hugely helpful to understand what was going on inside, and gave me things to work on and parts of myself to heal.  

Understanding Your Own Mental Health

But for me, the most life-changing part of my journey has been understanding my mental health, how to recognise and manage how I am feeling.  

One of my key triggers is sleep, if I don’t get enough or it’s poor quality then things start to fall down. This can be tricky because when I am stressed or anxious my sleep worsens, but I now recognise the patterns and put steps in place to help. I take naps, I don’t stay up too late, and I avoid alcohol or overloading myself with too many plans. I focus on self-care and restoring my energy levels.

I practice mindfulness and meditation and journal religiously. This is the best way for me to manage my negative self-talk. 

I am a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist and so setting boundaries around my life both for others and myself are paramount.  I say no now, I prioritise myself more, and I try not to feel guilty for either.

I exercise 4-5 times a week in a gym and I walk my dog twice daily.  Moving my body with purpose keeps my mood high. As does fuelling my body with great nutritious food.  When I stop exercising or eat a few too many junk meals I can feel that it’s not doing me good - mentally or physically.

But the key for me, the thing that had pulled me through every time I feel that darkness.  Is reaching out for help.  Talking to my husband, to my friends, my family.  Not doing this alone and being open and honest about how I am feeling.

This knowledge and understanding is no doubt what enabled me to get through my most recent episode of mental health stuggles, in March 2022. 

I had left my corporate job 6 months previously to focus on my coaching business and I was feeling the pressure that all entrepreneurs feel. I worried that I had made the wrong decision.

You Can Too

I’m panicking, the feelings of failure, of self-doubt, of being a burden on my family and a rubbish friend felt like I was drowning. I considered taking my own life several times. I hated and despised myself, I couldn’t look in the mirror.  Because of the work I had done on myself though I knew I could bounce back.  I focussed on all the steps I know are important for me to feel good, I talked to my family and friends and I came out of it. I came to peace with my own mental health.

You can too x

Credits: Chrissie Hiller